No, I’m sorry, she can’t come to the phone she is on holidays

Today, everything feels light and smiley. My shoulders are being tickled by a breeze, rather than being bruised by the weight of responsibility and looming deadlines.

In this place, there is no ringing telephone or unstable and overfilled filing tray. In this place, the only thing demanding my assistance is the boycat who would like me to nudge some more biscuits into his bowl and scratch his upturned face.

At 9:39am, I am still in my pyjamas. I am sipping coffee in my slippers and providing a home for birds in my hair. My teeth are still wearing their overnight film of gross and eww and all I can taste is the garlic from last night’s dinner.

Luckily, that doesn’t matter because today – right now – I am on annual leave and I have very exciting plans for my time off:

  • Remain in a set of pyjamas the entire holiday.
  • Ghost Adventures Season 6.
  • Stare at things for extended periods of time with my mouth hanging slightly open so I can breathe through it noisily.
  • See what’s filled that Oprah-shaped television hole.
  • Think about doing housework but instead, just hide stuff under the bed.
  • Decide which personality I am going to be this Autumn/Winter (emo/punk bri? grown up adult who wears sweaters and light blue jeans and says “see you” instead of “see ya” bri?)
  • Look at trees with my hands clasped behind my back.
  • Make cups of tea and forget to drink them after the first sip.

It’s a fairly comprehensive list and I may have to cull some activities but for now, I’m quite pleased with my goals for the next five days.

If I have time, I am going to continue my training in Teaching Your Cat to Understand YOU For Once, The Spoilt Little Jerks.
Thus far they have learned that a long, sulky meow means “stop licking your own vagina and give me a cuddle”, a short, sharp one means “You’ve kneaded my boobs long enough just sit down!” and two long, one short means “Get away from my steak and go and eat your delicious packet meat out of your floor-bowl”

So far it’s going quite well.



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