My poor, neglected little wordhouse!
It’s kind of like that person you feel obligated to visit, but can’t seem to find any enthusiasm for doing so until you actually get there and discover that you’re having a great time!
It’s not that I don’t enjoy writing, it’s just that the past couple of months have been more difficult for me than usual and I don’t like to burden the world with the full details of my negativity. I did that for years.
However, this is my little blog and if I don’t write about the things that are important to me, then what the hell am I writing for?
So… in that regard… stop reading if personal information makes you uncomfortable!
I had a little bit of a mental breakdown a couple of weeks ago, where a lot of things piled up on top of each other and for the first time in my life, I made the phone call to speak to a professional about it.
I’ve had alcohol counselling in the past, but that was easy. I didn’t just hide behind drinking to reach that point, I hid behind drinking at that point – It was easier if the problem was the drinking, not me personally.
We all know better than that, of course. The drinking was just a symptom of the problems and once I’d “fixed” that symptom, I left counselling without even dealing with the things that had led me there.
I don’t think I’ve had a hard or sad life but I do finally acknowledge the wrongs that have been directed at me by people I was supposed to be able to trust. The worst part of all of that is that my pain and the broken circuits in my thinking weren’t caused by the betrayals themselves, but more by the blame being laid at my feet by the perpetrators.
… that my “paranoia” was the problem in the relationship, despite the fact that there was clear evidence of cheating and disrespect. That was a recurring pattern in my life, and began at age 15, but the lack of self-esteem that saw me cling to an abusive boyfriend at that age began long, long ago, when a new girl arrived at school and essentially turned our childhood into one big self-preservation backstabbing contest. When you are in year 2 and you learn that you can’t trust your friends and that they all have secrets against you, it doesn’t make a very solid foundation for the rest of your life to be built on.
Each bad experience and the resulting lack of self-esteem caused me to make even further bad decisions. Aaaaaaand you get the picture.
Whenever I spoke about it, I felt like a whinger and to some extent, I still do. I have not in the slightest way had the hardest life ever and I have been a complete nightmare in my own right, but I have already publicly berated myself for years about my bad behaviour – I owe it to myself to give myself a break. This over-active guilt thing that I have going on has begun to cripple my thoughts and I find myself immediately assuming I am the cause of whichever bad situation has just occurred, despite being fully aware that I had nothing to do with it, so how could it be my fault? It just MUST be, somehow.
I’ve only had one counselling session so far but it’s been great. We have quite a lot to work through but I know that I will come through all this a better person. It isn’t just about changing my lifestyle and my habits to cheer myself up when I’m feeling down, it’s about gaining a better understanding of myself, so I can work out when I’m over-thinking and when my worry is legitimate.
All I know is that I’m done allowing myself and others to treat me like a victim.
… and that’s the last of this sort of talk you’ll be seeing on this blog for a little while. I’m not entirely comfortable writing about this in a public forum, but I felt that I need to be honest here and the truth is, it isn’t all jokes about my “split personalities” or 2am cleaning equipment inventions. I’ve got brain problems, just like everyone else, and right now, I’m needing some help working through them.