Pick-a-Path

… and when I’ve entered the highs of hyperspace, I wonder why I’m really bothering to find the answers at all. The lows and all the crazy in my head only makes it so that I feel all the good things to the same extremity.

Everything makes me giggle. This includes extreme violence and, if I’m in a really good mood, torture. Mostly, though, I just seem to accept that this is my reality and if I can just teach myself to calm down, it’ll all be okay. Maybe I should listen to the people who tell me to give myself a break.

At that point, I recall the things I’ve said or done to hurt the people I care about, and I remember why I made that initial appointment.

And that’s when it happens, the moment where the schism occurs. These two opposing ideas grate at my conscience and then everything goes dark and every possible answer is closed off. They’re all out there, but I can’t see them. As soon as I try to focus on one, it slips away again and I get angry and stop looking for any more.

Right now, that’s pretty much the part where I’m stuck: getting beyond that schism to pick one or the other. It feels like time is running out, but I know that’s just my impatience.

I’ve never been able to enjoy today, for fear of my imagined tomorrows.

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2 thoughts on “Pick-a-Path

  1. Pick a path? Somewhere in between might be okay. Highs and lows aren’t such a bad thing I guess; pretty usual I’d say given life is not usually a fairytale. Continual extremes must be incredibly frustrating. You sound like you are too hard on yourself.
    And now for a change of comment direction and it is this: I’m looking forward to reading ‘how to shop for non-Goth clothing’. Were you really going to write on this topic? Bruce

    • haha, it’s funny that you should ask that, Bruce.
      I’m currently going through yet another phase of PIERCE ALL THE FACE, COLOUR ALL THE HAIR!

      I’ve tried the conservative thing and it still doesn’t feel quite right… let’s see if I can find a balance, shall we?

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