… and when I’ve entered the highs of hyperspace, I wonder why I’m really bothering to find the answers at all. The lows and all the crazy in my head only makes it so that I feel all the good things to the same extremity.
Everything makes me giggle. This includes extreme violence and, if I’m in a really good mood, torture. Mostly, though, I just seem to accept that this is my reality and if I can just teach myself to calm down, it’ll all be okay. Maybe I should listen to the people who tell me to give myself a break.
At that point, I recall the things I’ve said or done to hurt the people I care about, and I remember why I made that initial appointment.
And that’s when it happens, the moment where the schism occurs. These two opposing ideas grate at my conscience and then everything goes dark and every possible answer is closed off. They’re all out there, but I can’t see them. As soon as I try to focus on one, it slips away again and I get angry and stop looking for any more.
Right now, that’s pretty much the part where I’m stuck: getting beyond that schism to pick one or the other. It feels like time is running out, but I know that’s just my impatience.
I’ve never been able to enjoy today, for fear of my imagined tomorrows.