Expensive, boring balls

According to valid sources of information, such as that infographic that has been passed around Facebook/Tumblr, I am apparently one of the world’s richest people.

This is in fact a lie.

While part of me feels very guilty for complaining about being broke when I have access to clean water, a roof over my head and enough money to buy noodle box for dinner once a week, there’s another part of me, the part that gets to Sunday with $20 left in the bank, that doesn’t feel at all guilty for complaining about being poor.

It’s frustrating to work all week, but be barely able to scrape by for the seven days that pay covers, let alone save money. The idea of ‘getting ahead’ is not one that has ever been part of my world. Even less so when we are both existing off one wage.

When people ask me if I regret anything, I say no. I don’t actually think about the answer first. My philosophy has always been that you learn lessons from every bad decision, so don’t regret them.

That, too, is a lie. I’ve learned lessons, but I still have regrets.

I regret destroying my credit rating by taking over the phone account of an ex because he’d ruined his credit rating years before. I regret not knowing how to be my own boss and stick to the hard line I wanted to take with money. I also regret the countless drunk sessions of spending rent money, bill money, all my money – on booze and cigarettes for myself, and whoever else agreed to party with me to assuage my guilt.

I regret that I’m so scared of the future, of particular responsibilities, that instead of forcing myself to be that way, I run from it, and keep putting it off until another day.

But now I am 30, and I have so much catching up to do that it’s completely overwhelming. But it’s all still possible. I just have to keep moving, not burying my head in the sand.

For the first time in my life, I will stick to what I say.

Starting with Soundwave Festival.

With just four weeks to go until the festival and our trip to Melbourne, I can safely say that there’s no way we will be able to afford to go. Sid has already said that he will sell his ticket, but when we literally don’t have a cent left from pay to pay, there’s no way I can save anything to spend on the trip, even for one person.

So. For the first time in my life, I’m going to do the responsible thing.

I’m going to sell my ticket and stay home.

I don’t feel good about this decision. I’ve been looking forward to the festival since the lineup was announced but I know that the disappointment of missing out doesn’t affect me anywhere near as badly as having that black cloud of debt hovering over me each night as I try to sleep.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Growing up and being responsible is a giant pile of balls.

Expensive, boring balls.

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4 thoughts on “Expensive, boring balls

  1. It really is a transition but you will have a great sense of accomplishment. You are the same age as I was when I went through mine. A few suggestions from an old soul. Find your entertainment in venues you haven’t looked at before. Here we have arts and crafts festivals and free concerts in the park on Sundays. They are not the same as a concert with 50-100,000 people that last for a day or two (been there and done that) but you will find that for a lot less money or none at all you and your partner can have a wonderful day together. Well I’m proud of you as always. How is it going with your sobriety?

    • The biggest problem is that this small town we live in doesn’t have any evening entertainment for adults except bars. There’s no cinema or bowling alley, the shops close at midday on saturdays and don’t open at all on Sundays… consequently, my sobriety hasn’t been sobriety as such.
      It has, however, now reached the point where drinking is not an affordable option, so it’s forced sobriety time anyway – which is just more incentive to stop, so I’m ok with that part.
      It just means a lot of time spent at home doing the same old stuff.
      I feel fine about the decision now. I’m sure I could scrape together the cash to get to Soundwave, but I’d just annoy myself by spending that money when it could be better spent elsewhere to make our day to day lives a bit easier.

      • I totally get what your saying about the sobriety. For a long time my sobriety was only insured by my poverty. After awhile it got so I could do without the chemicals but to this day I can’t pass up a fat “tater”. That’s southern for a good joint. As for entertainment try a day trip to a neighboring town or take up cards or board games. I know these don’t sound intriguing but some of the best times I have ever had were free. Hanging out at the river and grilling on the banks. Well good luck girl. I’m heading to the mountains tomorrow for a week alone. I am so looking forward to being by myself , walking around the lake fishing , smoking taters and killing off the weak brain cells. I’ll holla!!

      • hahaha I am SO jealous of your week in the mountains! That sounds amazing!
        We spent last Saturday helping out at the community garden, which was a new thing… and totally fun, so you’re right. There are still plenty of things to do here for free.
        Enjoy your week away and we’ll catch up when you get back!

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