This is one of those mornings where I wake up all motivated and decide I’m going to reinvent my life. I have one of these days every couple of months, but all I do is write a few dot point lists, and then feel accomplished enough to dust my hands and say “ok, that’s enough for now”.
I am not promising that this time will be different.
Still, after this weekend’s food-fest, which consisted largely of meats and or fried things, I am physically craving the heck out of some salad. My emphysema is making me crave the heck out of being a non-smoker, too, but we all know that I will just ignore that and continue to live on ventolin.
Today, my new life-idea is a little more ambitious than healthy eating. Today, my new life-idea is to:
Now, I know that this is a dream that I don’t really share with many others, and nobody has ever really tried to get rich, I’m quite the trend-setter you see, but I do believe that it’s possible. All it will take is a little bit of identity theft, a great disguise and … well, probably MUCH better financial management skills than I currently possess. Also, a healthy knowledge of math would come in handy.
For the excellent price of “some of the money when I get it”, you too could be sharing my dream! All you have to do, is get the money for me and lie about it when we eventually get caught.
Things I can promise about this process:
- We will drive to the edge of a cliff in a convertible and skid the wheels dramatically, just before the edge;
- We will hide out in dodgy motels, with flickering neon signs and vibrator beds;
- You can pick any disguise and alias you like, as long as it looks and sounds a lot like Brad Pitt out of Kalifornia, as this fits the best with my chosen disguise; and
- We will break down in a creepy little town, where the Sherriff seems nice, but instead leads us to a farm owned by crazy, murdering rednecks. We will survive the night (or I will, because boobs), but will need a new car.
Considering this is my actual dream honeymoon, I should probably ask Sid to join me on this adventure, but I’m fairly certain he’d prefer to sit it out and still be alive when the PS4 is released.
Applications can be made to: novirginmary at gmail dot com
Current drivers license essential.