Kids: they’re good when you can ignore them

They’re just like annoying people that you’re not allowed to smack in the face.

A bit harsh? How about: holy shit, teenagers just have way too much energy and they talk more than I do, about even more retarded shit than I do… and I’m not allowed to smack them in the face.

No, but really, kids are great – just when they aren’t yours to keep.

You see, I’m 30. I’m used to ordering my world to suit me. Used to controlling my own space, either by forcing others to leave or by leaving myself.

If you have kids of your own, you can’t do that.

You mean, I have to stay here with them, even though they’re being really loud while I’m trying to daydream? Can’t they see, by my glazed eyes and the way I am draped over the couch, that I am really fucking busy right now?

Oh, kids can see, they just don’t care.

Basically, kids are me. Which is why they are inconvenient. Unless I’m also in the mood to watch The Last Airbender. Which, admittedly, I quite often am.

So again, we’re back to my original statement: kids are great when you can give them back to their parents.

I was just thinking we need to invent time-share parenthood, that isn’t divorce. Until I realised that meant those kids would have like 6 sets of parents they’d spend 2 months each year with. And that would never pass child welfare standards.

Which again makes me realise that I either really need kids so I stop being so selfish, or that I really should never have kids, because I’m so selfish.

Now do you understand why I love cats?
You can pretend you don’t know what they’re meowing asking for, they spend a lot of time sitting/laying down quietly, all you really have to do is give them their food and they leave you alone most of the time.

Then again, I guess every parent learns to tune out.

Maybe, one day, I too will have children I can grow to lov(ingly ignor)e.


6 thoughts on “Kids: they’re good when you can ignore them

  1. HAHAHA! This was great! Should you have kids!? Why? Get more cats! They are not nearly as demanding or expensive and they basically have the attitude of a teenager. You know… leave me alone unless I need you to give me something….Don’t bother me I’m sleeping….Hey!when are you going to feed me?!

  2. Some real nice zingers in this post: “Basically, kids are me. Which is why they are inconvenient.” And I think your conclusions are all the funnier for being nearly universally true!

    Generally you’ve exposed the double-edged sword that it having kids. I’ve found the best strategy for bringing one up so that other adults don’t want to strangle him is by remembering all the things that drove me nuts about having kids before I had one. That and one of those Hannibal Lecter masks…

  3. Hm. I was around 30 when I started to look at kids and briefly wonder about being a Dad. Kids don’t come with a warranty and can’t be returned because of imperfections.

    • This post makes me sound horrible, when in actual fact, I’m probably going to damage my kids more by bringing them up to think that anything and everything is possible, in a world that is increasingly making it more difficult for that to be a reality.

      If my kids want to paint or draw, I’d most likely wallpaper an entire room in tear-off sketchpads for them, haha

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