I said I wouldn’t go into detail, but then this happened. Trigger Warning.

You’re 8 years old and looking forward to school. You spend recess playing Witches, lunch time playing dolls, unless you talk too much in class and Mrs P makes you stand against the wall.
One day, Mrs P brings a new girl over to you, and asks you to show her around the school, asks you to be her friend.

You smile at the new girl and introduce her to the other girls you hang out with. She’s so cool with those Maui shirts you can’t buy here, that cool hair cut and that whole “just moved here from the city” air she exudes.

Within a short period of time, everyone is under her spell. Her confidence has soared, and very suddenly, everything changes.

One day you turn up at school, all smiles, ready to play with your friends.
Instead, She has gathered your friends around her, and they are whispering, staring at you.

With no explanation, you are cast out of the group – by all of them.

You beg them to tell you what you’ve done wrong, but there’s no answer, just a wall of silence and that girl, who has suddenly become a giant, her shadow looming across the playground.

You can see in your friends’ eyes that they don’t really know what’s going on either, but just like you, they are also caught under her spell, despite being held in the warmth of her regard – at least for today.

They are scared – of being you.

It shakes everyone, but in that moment, all her work is complete. She has exerted complete control over us and is fully aware of it.

The next day, as though nothing has happened, she is all smiles and asking why you didn’t hang out with them yesterday – as though it was your choice, your fault, as though you imagined her sidelong glares, the things she whispered behind her hands and the way she teased anyone who sat with you.

Very quickly, this became the pattern of our little lives.

Every day was Russian Roulette. Would you turn up to school to be an outcast, or would you have to be mean to someone you cared about, to protect yourself?

In time, it just became life. That’s just how it was, and it felt that there was nothing you could do about it.

Of course, for her, that became quite boring, so every now and then she’d cast out one girl in the morning, and swap her over at lunch time. You were never safe. Never secure. Never, ever certain.

We tried turning to each other, but out of desperation to remain in Her good books, your confidante would turn informer, and you were left alone – physically, mentally and emotionally – it wasn’t safe to trust anyone at all. Especially not your friends.

Your parents knew something wasn’t right, they also knew who was responsible, but every time they threatened to get involved, you would melt down and beg them to stay out of it. If they got involved, your already hellish life would be far worse. You were already Stockholm Syndroming all over this girl – the worse she treated you, the more you needed her to love you.

Every now and then, you’d all get fed up, and a couple of you would brave her wrath just so you could spend some time together – alone. The problem was, she had forbidden us to spend time with each other outside school – unless she was there.

Like women having affairs, at 9 and 10 years of age, we were spending the night at each other’s houses in secret, then returning to school paranoid that she would have found out. If you’d dared to enjoy yourselves together, it had to remain secret.

When you really had enough, and started saying no to her, she would push you around the playground. Poking you in the chest as she ranted into your face. And nobody came to your aid.

If you did better in your studies than she did, you had to pay for it. Some of us were deliberately putting the wrong answers on tests to avoid her anger.

We weren’t allowed to have anything of our own. Especially not if it was something she wanted.

I had a crush on a boy in year 2. In year 3, he confided in her that he had a crush on me, but I knew that she liked him. I said I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. She told me I had to, or she wouldn’t talk to me.

When he bought me a gift, she told me I had to break up with him. I did.

She would accuse us of having secrets from her and we tripped over our tongues to explain that we didn’t. But we were paranoid… we did have secrets. The secret was, we hated her, but by then, we weren’t even allowed to have our feelings. They were wrong. She was the only thing that was right, and it changed more than the wind.

For five years, this was our daily life.

This is the way life began for me. This is where I learned how to be a person. These are the building blocks on which the rest of my days have stood.

And when I turned 15, I went and chose a boyfriend who was not at all dissimilar to her.

The one I’d had before that had asked another girl out on the bus because I wouldn’t have sex with him. When she said no, he asked me out again. Clearly, I was aiming high.

History repeated itself not only in the things I tolerated, but in the obsessive way in which I couldn’t even breathe if he was threatening to leave me. I hated him, but I needed him, because nobody else would ever want me. When he threatened to leave me, I wanted to die.

When he spat in my face for asking if I could go to my friend’s birthday party, I felt I deserved it.
When he called me a whore in front of my friends for being out of the house without his permission, I went home.

To the internet. To the only friends I had ever chosen who had not hurt me.

Oh, my family loved me. My family told me I was amazing. But they’re your family, and they have to. None of the people I had personally chosen wanted me for me. They wanted me to be only what suited them.

It seems that my survival instinct is to become whatever someone needs me to be, but inside, I rage. My emotions go on and off, like a switch.
I love you, I love you so much I can’t breathe, and it’s so genuine that you’ve never felt more loved in your life. Later, I hate you. With just as much ferocity and sincerity. Sometimes, I am completely indifferent, and treat you as though you don’t exist. Which is even more cruel.

Do I confront you? No, not really. Only on surface things, like the tone of voice you just used. Serious, big issues get locked inside because if I say them, things might get worse.

Serious, big issues only come out when I am fuelled by alcohol, and self-destructive. I drink to kill. To destroy every single part of my life. Sometimes, that has included my physical life.

I drink to not feel. I would do anything to not feel. To not think, wonder, analyse. But I’ve known there was an answer in my past that needed to be found. And so my entire adult life has been spent looking back. Just not far enough.

This is not a new story. I am not a unique case. I am just one girl, who, until a couple of weeks ago, had no idea that her actual brain had been wired to self-destruct.

I feel very disconnected – from friends, from family and from myself. I feel like there is something very wrong with me.

I’m a great liar now. I’ve been doing it since I was 8 years old. I am the greatest actor you’ll meet, and a total chameleon – I am whatever you need me to be. Isn’t that my role in life? To be what everyone else wants?

I can’t help it, it’s my instinctive, self-preservation tactic. And what you don’t know is that I believe every one of my own lies. 

I don’t even know who I actually am.

The more years that pass, the more people you have to be different for.
I guess I couldn’t keep up. I wasn’t consciously aware of what I was doing, I acted on emotion – the emotional reactions of an 8 year old girl with a 30 year old woman’s experiences.

And in doing so, I passed on a lot of hurt that other people now have to wade through. I inflicted emotional and mental pain onto other people, who did nothing more than try to care for me.

The ones who don’t deserve my love are the ones who always get it. The ones who are worthy are the ones I hurt.

None of it is intentional. I simply am incapable of making a decision because even though you tell me I can choose whatever I want, inside, I am still that 8 year old girl who only wants to be loved, not hated and ignored and left alone for no fucking reason.

I want everything. I want everyone to love me. I want to love everyone.

Two weeks ago, when I realised that the compulsive hair pulling I’ve done since I was 9 has a name, and that it has a high overlap with PTSD, I recalled that my therapist had said she would be happy to diagnose me with PTSD, a year ago. I had dismissed it out of hand because it seemed ridiculous that something so old could possibly be why my life had spiralled out of control.

Sure it wasn’t that boyfriend? Or ones that followed, or preceded him?

Was it the boyfriend who held a shotgun to my head and laughed, because he knew it was broken but I didn’t?
The one who told me as an April Fools joke that he’d cheated on me with my cousin – who went along with it?
Or the one who threw a baseball bat at my face because I laughed when he tripped over his bed?

After all of those things, how could it possibly be the mean words of a little girl that are the reason I am so crippled?

But, like a bushfire, once that small spark was alight, I couldn’t put the flames out. It wasn’t just mean words, it was mental and emotional torture.

I suddenly realised the impact on my life, I realised that every decision I’d made over the course of my life, every life event I had experienced, had all been clouded by this.

I didn’t know.

I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I had just been trying to live my life as best I could. People told me to get selfish. To start taking control and stop putting up with unhappiness. I thought I was doing that, but I wanted so many conflicting things. One day I was certain that this is what I wanted, this is what I needed. The next day, it was the opposite.

I am exhausted by being me.

The one thing you can’t turn off is your own headvoice. And mine hates me. It hates you, too. It hates everyone who has ever hurt me, and it hates me just as badly, for hurting others. The only difference is that I know I didn’t do it with malicious intent. The problem is, that makes no difference. All that matters is my actions, and the fallout thereof.

I have done to others, what has been done to me.

I can’t take back any of the hurt I’ve caused, but I can make sure it never happens again.

I thought I was doing ok with this PTSD stuff, but obviously there’s a lot of work to be done to straighten out the crazed pathways my brain has been following.

That is my responsibility and no-one else’s, and if I don’t do it, this is never going to end.

I do hate that little girl who, for her own reasons, took my life and shaped it to make hers seem better. I hate myself for allowing it all to continue. But now I know why I never left any of those abusive relationships – because they employed the same tactics that she had done all those years ago.

They did the wrong thing, and then told me I was imagining it.

Each and every one of us is accumulating a lifetime of hurt. A lifetime of scars. A lifetime of shitty, painful memories. These shape who we become, and they shape the ways in which we deal with conflict, or even love.

I don’t deal with either of them very well because they both place demands on me that I’ve been unable to live up to.

Either, I let myself down, or someone else gets hurt.

If I hate that little girl for the impact she has had on my life, then it follows that I must hate myself for the impact I have had on the lives of others. And I do.

Who is to say that she isn’t sitting at home right now, devastated by the things she did, the things she said?

The past needs to go away now. It needs to be dealt with, but not fondled. Not taken out and looked at. I have my answers now. I am crazy. I am a complete mental fucking mess. But I know why.

And that means I can do something about never letting this happen again.

All I have left to me is a future. The past is a locked door that holds nothing but pain – for me, and for others.

For better or worse, I have to leave it behind, and only time will tell whether it was the right choice. But that, too, is life.

And it’s my life. I have one of them – god knows I wouldn’t want another. So with what’s left of it, I am going to allow myself to be angry, to be sad, to be hurt.
But I won’t continue to allow myself to be so emotionally selfish that I simply ignore the fact that other people are also in pain. Particularly when I may be the cause of it.

Being a human is really difficult. But I’m not ready to throw in the towel. I have a lot to make up for, and one day I’m going to make myself, and others, proud.

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “I said I wouldn’t go into detail, but then this happened. Trigger Warning.

  1. i love you, and all your shittiness, and anger and frustration. Life is really fucking hard. People don’t tell you that. People tell you that milestones (weddings, babies, anniversary) actually mean something to the underlying shittiness of life. But once the balloons have all been popped, and the cheap plastic glasses have been thrown in the bin, nothing changes, because what happens on the outside, so often isn’t allowed inside for fear of displacing that martyrdom of emotions inside. I don’t feel much anymore. And if I do, it scares me because if I’m feeling it for someone else, I know that more-than-likely, I’m probably going to pull the plug anyway. Unless it’s someone that doesn’t really want me, then it’s chase-chase-chase and OHMYGOD I might just catch him – he’s SOOO elusive, I love it, he’s making me show him HOW MUCH I love him.. And I get him, of course I do (i’m a pesistant bi-atch), and then wonder why i still feel empty. Even with my current lover, who adores me and categorically states that “for me he goes Full-Retard”, I still feel empty, can’t commit.

    just want to say, you’re not alone, i’ll always be here to help you during stabby-face-time, and life-aint-so-bad times, and all the minutes in between.

    xxxx

    • Thank you.

      You don’t know how much it means to know that you just… understand, and despite that, you’re still here.

      I get so consumed trying to work out what is so wrong with me that nothing else matters. Nothing else even exists, until I’m ready for it to exist.

      I need it to stop. All of it.

      I guess that’s what therapy is for…

  2. Of course I’m still here tard – I think you’re pretty awesome, especially as you are one of the most honest person I know. Lying is on the surface, of which i’ve never paid much attention to – truth lies below, and I’ve always had the skill of seeing the real person behind any facade.
    Takes one to know one.

    Sometimes i wish I was just a dumb-ignorant-hick. I reckon it’s the intelligence that causes us issues. the desire to find out, to search, to research over and over and over, to be the KNOWER, but most of the time, I don’t even remember what it was I was looking for in the first place.

    too smart for our own good. truly.

    can’t wait to have a “let’s sit in our pj’s all day and drink tea and play video games” time xx

    • haha.
      cries at my work desk – again.

      I love you. For helping me feel that I’m not quite the monster I see myself and for pointing out those times I don’t realise I actually am being a monster.

      Tea, pjs and video games sounds like heaven xx

    • It isn’t my fault, and I won’t get better if I don’t start to forgive myself, but the reality is that in my endeavour to heal, to understand, to identify, there were casualties, and I’m responsible for that.

      It hurts like hell to know that the pain I have felt, has been felt by people who care about me. Because I inflicted it.

      Thank you for your kind and gentle words. I needed to hear them today.

  3. I just stumbled across your blog and I am so glad I did.I swear some of that could have had my name tagged onto it. That description of bullying has to be one of the most accurate descriptions of bullying I have ever read (you are an awesome writer, you need to know that!) When you hear people talk about bullying as a constant daily same occurrence every day thing (and I know that is true for some) it makes me wonder about my own experiences of it (of which there have been many right into my adult years) but what you have spoken about there hit the nail on the head. The process of someone being nice to you one day and horrific to you the next, and other people going with it out of fear that they will be the next one, that left me with a massive streak of accepting whatever few crumbs of anything that were thrown at me and being so pathetically grateful for it. You nailed that feeling. I have PTSD too (I was gang raped) and I firmly believe that how I coped and dealt with the aftermath of it (or more accurately didnt cope or deal with it) is directly linked to bullying and abuse I had experienced earlier in life. I was led to believe I was worthless so when the worst happened… “well, its only me, it doesn’t matter.” Thank you for writing this x

    • Thank you for reading this!

      That type of bullying is not dissimilar to what happens in many relationships. It’s called Gaslighting.

      It comes from a film called Gaslight, with Ingrid Bergman in it, whereby her husband, who wishes to steal her jewellery, makes her believe she is crazy, by messing around with the gaslights in the attic.

      when she asks him if he’s seen what she’s seen – he says no. He takes paintings from the wall and tells her she took them, he does whatever small thing he can, to erode her trust in her own memory, and her own mind.

      Dude wants to get her committed so he can just.. take all her jewels.

      and that’s basically what she did to us. we couldn’t defend ourselves because every time we tried, she made out like we’d imagined the whole thing.

      it’s so very difficult to explain this side of things to people… an ex of mine did exactly the same thing when it came to cheating, and i could never understand why i was unable to leave when literally everyone knew he was cheating on me. I knew. But I didn’t believe it, because he told me I was wrong.

      If I hadn’t been through that bullying shit, then most likely, I would’ve had a fine enough brain to tell him exactly where he needed to go.

      The minute someone exerts any kind of influential power by excluding me or making me question my own sanity, I am theirs. It’s not great.

      I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I hope you don’t think you’re worthless anymore. It’s not easy for us to change thinking patterns that are so ingrained, but as long as we keep challenging these strange instincts we have, we’ll get better.

      x

      • Thank you for putting a name to it, I had never even heard of it as a concept like that. I think things are better to see when you can call them out by name, so that is really helpful. The fact is that it is something that has been a continuous theme throughout my life so I know where you coming from. Whats so incredible about your post is that it literally is so hard to explain, but you hit it head on. I know when I have tried to explain it to another person, they have dismissed me as being paranoid or overly sensitive which feeds into even more and is ultimately even more isolating. You are also so right about challenging the instincts, it literally is the only way forward!! Take care x

      • I’ve only recently come across the term in the last couple of years, however I never thought to apply it to what was going on in my circle of friends.
        Trust your instincts when it comes to that stuff – by now, you may be paranoid, after years of being told you’re imagining things… but chances are, you’re probably right on the money.
        Our bodies are more honest than our brains, I think…
        Take Care xx

  4. i too understand what you have been through. I think sometimes the worst pain I have felt is not the pain inflicted on me, but what I have inflicted on others. it is hard to forgive yourself, I think. I have tried to go to all of those people and ask for forgiveness, but even if they have forgiven me, I still struggle with forgiving myself. I struggle especially with forgiving myself for hurting people I love and care about so much. my brother is one of those people. I can barely talk to or be near him without crying because I feel so bad. even when he says all is forgiven, it’s like a knife in my heart to know I hurt him ;'( . but I also know the forgiveness is there, I just have to take it. let’s face it we can’t go back and relive the past. so all we can do is try to not make the same mistakes in the future and to make things different and better for ourselves and the ones we love. I know, easier said than done, but nothing gets done without trying.

  5. I like you. I think you’re a C-PTSD success story.I don’t know how that story ends, but it’s good and you’ve got to tell us. I think you’ve helped so many by just sharing this, and I think you’ll help many more. I think your mess is a prelude to something amazing. Your amazingness already shows through. And I’m not saying this cos I have to. This is exactly what came to mind while reading your post.

    • Whoa!
      Thank you so much. Those are really uplifting words.

      I don’t feel successful because things are still quite a mess, but I feel… somewhat in control of my destiny for the first time in my little history.

      This is where the real test begins… I can make my life become whatever I want.

      Now, there are no more excuses…

      That’s pretty scary. Now I have to do things. That aren’t sitting on the couch, crying into a bag of chips in my pyjamas at midday.

      Except on weekends. I can do that on weekends 😛

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s