Burns Unit on Standby – Creamy Red Salmon Pasta

Welcome to the first episode of Burns Unit on Standby, my cooking/recipe segment named for the fact that I could probably find a way to burn myself making a bowl of cereal.

This evening we shall be preparing the simplest and most delicious pasta dish I know, besides “spaghetti with whatever is in the cupboard”.

Creamy Red Salmon Pasta 
Serves: 2 (or just me)
Cooking time: I dunno, not very long. Depends how many wines you have.
Burn Possibility: Low

nnnnnnnnnnnngh nomnomnom

The photo is not great because a) eat it quick and b) 3 wines down.


1 bottle of wine (for drinking purposes only)
1 teaspoon crushed garlic
1 large tin red salmon
3 spring onions/shallots (the long skinny ones, not the round jerks)
1 lemon
fresh dill (approx. a shitload)
Half a small carton of thickened cream. Whatever size that is.
Fresh fettuccine for four people.

What you do ‘n’ that ay

  1. Pour a glass of wine, or something else (I recommend wine)
  2. Put on a playlist

    Pro Tip: During procrastination sessions, create/find cooking playlists so you don’t get distracted by this part of the recipe and finish the bottle of wine whilst revisiting your teenage music years.

  3. Open tin of salmon and drain brine into a bowl.
  4. Pull the vertebrae out of the salmon, divide it evenly into two dishes, crush it up with the back of a fork, pour half the brine into each dish and serve to the cats who are glaring at you from the floor.
  5. Put a pot of salted water on to boil.
  6. Put the salmon meat into a serving dish. Break up slightly with a fork.
  7. When your mum calls you on her way home from work, to ask if you need anything while she’s at the shop, say yes, because you forgot the shallots.
  8. Pour (and drink) another glass of wine whilst waiting for the shallots.
  9. Chop up the 3 shallots and toss into serving dish.
  10. Squeeze the juice of 1 lemon into the serving dish, be careful of your eyeholes and don’t let the seeds get in there (your eyes or the dish).
  11. Chop up a shitload of fresh dill (so like, 8-15 stalkbits. I didn’t count) and throw that into the serving dish.
  12. Stir half the little thing of cream through the salmon.
  13. Taste the mixygoodness. Add lemon/cream/dill to your liking.
  14. When water is boiling, throw in your pasta.
  15. Once fettuccine is al dente, drain it and add to the underwatermeat mix.
  16. Eat the shit out of its face while the pasta’s still hot.

It is important to note that when in the company of others, do not eat directly out of the serving dish over the counter in your bra and undies, whilst telling the cats to F%^k off.
It is more important to note that when eating alone, this is totally acceptable for all meals.