Once upon a time, a time known as “The Glorious Days Where My Department Had Its Own Printer”, there lived a happy secretary.
In those heady days, 5.7 seconds after pressing print on her computer, crisp sheets of ink-covered paperwork would slip onto the printer’s output tray, awaiting the grateful touch of the secretary’s cheerful fingertips, before being delicately folded and slipped into envelopes scented with the breath of Heaven.
One year ago, a dark stormcloud appeared on the Office Horizon. The Queen of Management Castle had decreed that My Department amalgamate with the land of Marketing, Tourism and Community!
Alas! cried the secretary, The Little Printer That Had Always Been Able To would never keep up with this new workload.
She spent time with Little Printer, coaxing it out of its sadness, and for a short time, it flourished under the constant attention of Posters and Maps and Communique.
Inevitably, the demands took their toll. Rollers began to squeak in torment after the briefest use, causing paper to wedge into inaccessible places, while toners disappeared faster than they could be replenished. Error lights blinked where no error could be found and paper trays fell apart after constant, hurried abuse.
While it saddened the secretary to witness Little Printer’s struggles, she was buoyed by its quick recoveries, and rare number of services it required. The only thing she was unable to cope with was a new phenomena that had begun to occur: Ghost Printing!
For every 5 documents the secretary would print, only 2 could be found at the collection point. She searched the output tray – nothing there. She searched the benchtop reserved for uncollected documents – nothing there. She even searched the pigeon hole boxes, designed so that anyone could clean up the uncollected documents for people to pick up later – Nothing!
The only conclusion the secretary could reach was that Little Printer had begun murdering documents in a passive-aggressive display of emotion. Fed up with being taken for granted, left to error because nobody would refill its paper trays, Little Printer had begun to delete its own jobs instead of wasting its precious inkblood on ungrateful human beings.
As none of the other subjects had delivered the secretary’s printing and it wasn’t in any of the collection locations, this was the only logical conclusion she could come to.
Fearing mockery by her peers, the secretary kept her theory to herself, hoping there could be some other explanation, but it was a rare occurrence for someone to deliver missing paperwork they had accidentally collected with their own, and the secretary was forced to concede that the printer was, in fact, being a jerk.
On 29th November, 2013, the secretary made a request to security staff to view the footage of the cameras overlooking Little Printer.
Her request was rejected on the grounds of “are you being serious right meow?”
In the absence of evidence, in true Internet Afficionado style, the secretary has no choice but to assume, and to document the following theory on her blog: Little Printer has been possessed by a Personality Disorder Demon, the result of a year of abuse, and is manifesting Poltergeist activity by making printing disappear.
The secretary is now searching for a psychologist to counsel Little Printer in the hopes of returning it to its former, cooperative self.
She is also petitioning her employer to purchase an extra printer to meet the demands of all the Departments. She believes the former will occur before the latter.